This may even work for the bigger sacrifices.
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For example, you can work it out so that you eat at the restaurant you want, and go to the movie your partner wants to see. Can you negotiate? Although close relationships require that you give when giving is needed, it doesn’t mean you and your partner can’t make an arrangement that suits both of you. This isn’t always an option, of course, but even in situations in which there is no clear compromise, there may be a way to reduce the impact of the sacrifice.Ħ. If your partner wants you to go on a tropical vacation and you really want to take in the architecture of ancient cities, perhaps a little research will uncover a place where you can do both. Is there a better solution? Rather than simply trying to pick through the choices at hand, you should be working with your partner to see if there is a solution that doesn’t require much of a sacrifice from either of you.
If you haven’t received a “thank you,” your partner may be taking you for granted.ĥ. Has your partner expressed thanks for your willingness to sacrifice? Research I’ve done with Emily Impett suggests expressing gratitude shows recognition of a sacrifice. Finally, it is important to know if your partner disagrees with you and does not see your actions as a sacrifice. In addition, by not realizing that you are incurring a cost for the sake of the relationship, your partner might not understand when you want her to return the favor the next time a sacrifice is called for. Does your partner know it’s a sacrifice? There is no need to rub your potential sacrifice in your partner’s face, or use it against them, but if your partner isn’t aware that you consider your act to be a sacrifice, he or she won’t be able to appreciate your selflessness. As you navigate the situation, make sure you are both clear about your own desires and priorities.Ĥ. Perhaps your partner really wants to attend her family reunion, and although you don’t relish missing your work event, you know your co-workers will understand, and the family reunion is a one-time thing. Does one of you want it more? When a situation requires sacrifice from you or your partner, the two of you may not be equally invested in the outcome. Has your partner been willing to sacrifice for you in the past, or expressed his willingness to sacrifice in the future? In the current situation, are you working together to figure out what is best, or does your partner simply expect you to change your life to accommodate his? If your partner assumes that you are the one who must choose to sacrifice, without assuming any of the same responsibility on his end, think twice.ģ. So as you debate whether or not to make a sacrifice, research by Van Lange and colleagues suggests it’s important to question whether your partner has shown the same degree of commitment and is now going through the same thought process. Would your partner do the same for you? Sacrifice is two-sided: While you are deciding whether or not to move across the country to let your spouse take his promotion, your spouse must decide whether or not to sacrifice his promotion in order to let you keep your job. The GGSC's coverage of gratitude is sponsored by the John Templeton Foundation as part of our Expanding Gratitude project.Ģ. Nothing is certain, of course, but a sacrifice becomes much more palatable when it helps bring you closer to the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. In order for a big sacrifice to be worth it, you should make sure that you are invested in the relationship and confident about your future together. How committed are you? Is this the person you plan to spend forever with, or do you still harbor reservations? According to Van Lange, commitment may be one of the most important precursors to sacrifice.
Based on this research, I offer seven questions you may want to ask yourself when deciding whether or not a sacrifice is worth it.ġ.
But their studies also reveal that if you find yourself always being the one who sacrifices-or if you feel forced to make a sacrifice-then you should tread with caution. In short, research by social psychologists such as Emily Impett, Paul Van Lange, and Caryl Rusbult suggests that sacrificing for someone you love may show them you care and may even make you feel good about yourself. Over time this imbalanced pattern of sacrifice may lead to an imbalance of power in your relationship-a recipe for long-term unhappiness and resentment. Sacrifice also raises questions of power: If you are happy to sacrifice early in the relationship and your partner isn’t reciprocating, you may find yourself in a situation where you are the one who is always expected to give up and give in. From the GGSC to your bookshelf: 30 science-backed tools for well-being.
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